| <<<The one that hurt the most was the second one he didn't want me to go threw the pain and emotion of his HIV status...What little did he know was I did any way... POSTED TO ME in an email I received >>> ..... Yeah I have been there man..... Communication between lovers/partners is very important. It's all about trust and sharing - a difficult thing for many men to do!..... ..... I've gotten way past that point - as you may have noticed I put it all out there about myself. I become vulnerable in knowing that by being vunerable I can allow others to get close to me and me to them - if they do not like what they see and tell me that they're not interested, sure my feelings are hurt but at least I know that I made that effort to connect - and that heals the hurt a lot faster than you would believe!... .....Most often though it's that fear people have of being rejected and abandoned...I was abandoned a few times in my life (my father, my mother, Alec committing suicide).....I did 2 1/2 years of one on one with an old cajun lesbian whose father was a biker. Did it back from 1998 to 2001.... .....Most people are surprised to hear that coming from me but then again most people tend to stereotype different kinds of men, particularly bikers. Interesting thing though is gay men do not like being stereotyped or judged but they are the first to do what they hate the most......I came to a point in my life where I realized that I wanted some help with some inner healing as there were certain things buried very very deep within my soul, and as Myra put it to me one day, "there's a little boy wanting to get out........." |
| .....It's about "living without fear" for myself.....a First Lady once said something like "we have nothing to fear except fear itself" and there is Truth in that..... My fear stemmed from my vulnerability and abandonment issues (which I have worked out quite well) - simply put I had been abandoned three times in my life (my father left when I was 3 but I reconnected with him in 98 for several months and that worked well), my mother (provided no nurturing or warmth when I was growing up - instead she focused on my step father and the 3 kids they had together - he was also abusive towards her and on top of that I was sexually molested by him at the age of 5 for a period of 3 or 4 years.... |
| ?..my mother was aware of it but chose to ignore it) and then the third time when my best friend I grew up with, Alec (he was my first partner), the man I left Kentucky with, lived with and loved in Santa Cruz/SF, took his own life in a motorcycle crash in 82..... ......In short I shut myself off in many ways as I did not want to be hurt again nor did I want to lose another person in my life. I kept a distance from my 2nd partner of 5 1/2 years. (It was during counseling when I met Jim and halfway through that relationship I realized that Jim and I were not right for each other in many ways - I actually opened myself up to him moreso.)..... ..... One of the things I learned was that the hurt is gonna be the same regardless of how close I get to another person.....After those 2 1/2 years with Myra (thank you MYRA HILDAGO and Waterloo Counseling in Austin!), I finally realized what it was I wanted and desired, gained more knowledge about relationships and learned much more BUT it took some time to get there but all things are possible when you want to make them happen..... .....I'm basically a very simple man who has simplified my life, taking down the barriers that have kept me from going to where I want to go and these days doing something most only dream about - complete freedom to pick up and go when I am ready to go, hoping to find him somewhere...... .....If I do, I do. If I don't, and that's OK too but at least I know that I have tried and made it possible. That's a lot more than most people even dream about!..... .....So there you have it again! A bit more about Jim Thurman, the DingoMan. I put myself out there with people and in doing so I may find a couple of new buddies, or maybe someone else is able to learn something and benefit from it - better yet if I find the guy out there who is meant for me..... AND if I'm not your type, I hope you find the one YOU are intended for..........October 2001 |
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